There'll Be Days Like This

I've taken little hiatus from blog writing for the past year.  I came on today with a few things on my mind (which will become a new post another time) and found this DRAFT from one year ago....the day that marked one year of Nagi and Detcho being home.

It's amazing that now marks TWO YEARS since D and N physically joined our family, and as I reread this year-old post, I realize how important it is for other waiting moms to know that now, two years down this journey, many (or all!) of these things still ring true today.

October 1st, 2013:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Post written October 1, 2014:

Well, it's been a year.  It absolutely amazes me to look back at all we've gone through in the past 12 months.  Before we brought Detcho and Nahagi home, we prepared as much as we could: reading books on older child adoption, reaching out to families who have walked these shoes, and attending conferences.  I'm now convinced NOTHING can fully prepare a family, but the more you do ahead of time, the better off you'll be!

To those of you considering older children adoption or those who have recently brought home an older child, I want to encourage you by letting you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I want to remind you that it is completely normal to have days like this.....

• Days before and after the adoption that you spend learning as much as you can about your child's culture.  What foods can you make to help them feel a sense of security? What was their "normal" when it comes to family, friends, living conditions, clothing, education, etc?
• Days when you are so very thankful that God brought this child into your home, yet you wonder why it's so hard.
• Days when attaching to your child will be very hard.  That may be because your expectations (which we're all told we shouldn't have any--wish I could have followed that advice!) are just way too high.  It may be due to pet peeves, the lack of knowing each other, or all the adjustments being made by everyone.
• Days when you need to lock yourself in your bathroom and cry out to Jesus to help sustain and equip you to continue pushing through every minute of every day.
• Days when you're painted over your child's past (and reality) and you can't imagine all that they've gone through.  You'll get emotionally exhausted by the hard conversations.
• Days when you're down right exhausted from constantly educating and explaining things over and over and over again when your family/culture/ways are all so new.
• Days when you feel alone.  You may not know anyone in a close proximity that has adopted an older child.  And, let's face it: older children adoption is usually viewed as "risky" by others.  Some people will push (or scare) away from you and your family.  
• Days when you'll be on the computer, on the phone, or in books trying to find another way to try something.....
• Days when you have to drop everything and put first things first.  Canceling appointments, coffee dates, play dates, and laundry will become a common occurrence as your child transitions into your home---which may not go away for a long time--even a year down the road!
• Days when you question if this REALLY was God's will for your family.  Surely it shouldn't be this hard or bring this much pain, right?!?!?
• Days when you feel like your failing....you'll ask yourself, "It's been ____ months now, shouldn't I have _____ figured out by now?" (and you won't stop asking yourself that even a year down the road)

Yes, we've had days like these.  Many, many days like these.  BUT, I can tell you with all certainty, I've NEVER wished for my big boys to not be here.  I've NEVER questioned my love for them.  I've NEVER EVER understood God's love for me as much as I do after welcoming them into our home. 

A couple weeks ago in church our Pastor was talking about the abundant life we receive when we're adopted into God's Kingdom.  He said one of the biggest gifts through the abundant life is the gift of God being WITH US. 

For those of you just beginning this journey, a little wisdom:

• Yes, you will have days like the ones above, but NEVER let those days/thoughts take a stronghold. 
• GET ON YOUR KNEES.
• Pick a few things to work on at a time.  Your child will come home and there will be so many little things to teach them.   Don't ever let your child feel like there are more things you need to change about them than you LOVE about them. 
• BE ON YOUR KNEES.
• Bring laughter to your home as much as you can.  ENJOY the differences you and your child have.  Write down the funny stories and funny things your child says or asks.
  Ex: D and N both thought the word snot meant "it's not." I was once told the bastard (mustard) tasted really good. And D told many, many people he got a large jar of penis (peanuts) for his birthday.
  Laughter really is good medicine and they love giggling about these things now!
• Remember, just like we have the gift of God being WITH US, that is the biggest gift we can give our children.  Be there to listen and encourage and walk through life with your child even when it's hard.  Don't let them bottle up or feel alone.  Encourage them to talk to you, spend time with them, listen to them--when they want you to, not when YOU want to, pray with them, BE WITH THEM.
• GET ON YOUR KNEES.
• Reach out to other parents who are walking this journey.  I'm here to tell you every single mother I know who has adopted older children has also faced every single one of the days listed above.  Knowing that I'm not alone has been a huge encouragement and support for me.  If you don't have people physically close to you (like me), get out of your comfort zone and SEEK people who you can reach out to via phone or social media. 
• BE ON YOUR KNEES.
• Do whatever you need to do to keep your marriage rock solid.  When things get tough in the home, it's easy to take things out on each other.  Hold each other close. Keep each other grounded.  Wives, RUN TO HIM.  I know as women we often want to run to a best friend and share things with her, but many of the things you'll face are for you family alone.

I hope this post is truth and encouragement to families in or starting the journey of older children adoption.  (Bobby and I are always willing to open our door or visit via phone to anyone who wants to visit with someone who's been there.)

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Today, two years since our family of 8 has been together, I've got tears flowing down my face.  It is overwhelming to reflect on all that these two years has been.  We have SO much to be thankful for.  D and N have grown so much in two years: physically (Nagi passed me in height in April!), emotionally, socially, academically, physically.

 

There are still things that are really hard (mostly relating to academics).  But, praise the Lord we are still smiling, happy, and growing after two years as EIGHT!

Wow, we are blessed parents!!!