Our Attachment Plan

Family and Friends,

We are getting so close to bringing Addy home.  We have learned so much through this process and have done a lot of reading to prepare us!  One of the biggest things we have studied and researched is attachment in adoption.  The primary goal for us is to help Addy “attach” to us and learn that we are her forever family.  We want her to feel secure, safe, and above all—LOVED.

Since birth Addy has been raised in an “orphanage” setting.  For the first 6 months she was in a true orphanage where she had one primary nanny.  We were told the nanny had a hard time leaving her, and we assume Addy was attached as well.  For the past 2 months she has been in a “transition” home with other children who are close to being brought home.  At this home there are 7-9 nannies that have been working with the 20+ children living there.  Addy does not know the feeling of a “typical” family.  She is not only going to be “taken” away from all that she is learning to be accustomed to, but will be moving across the world, and into a family of people who do not look like her current caregivers!  Addy will need time to bond with us.

The term bonding in the adoption world means to fall in love with your child and for your child fall in love with you.  You all know plain as day that our entire family has had 6+ months to bond with Addy.  Even Owen knows who Addy is and loves her dearly.  BUT, to Addy, we are strangers!!!

In addition to bonding, the term attaching in adoption is more complicated and is basically establishing a trust relationship between the adoptive child and family. This process often takes much longer than the bonding process depending on several variables and life experiences of the adopted child. It is not uncommon for the attachment process to take several weeks to even years to develop.

We would like to share our attachment plan with you now, so we don’t have to answer a million questions later!  Also know that our plan is not written in stone. We will more than likely make changes as we adjust to, and follow, Addy’s cues and needs for attaching and bonding.

1.   Primary Care Givers
Let me get the hardest one out of the way first J Bobby and I are to be the ONLY caregivers for Addy. Meaning we are the only ones that will be allowed attend to her needs for the fist “while”. This will include changing, feeding, bathing, putting her to sleep, etc. Bobby and I will be the only ones to hold Addy for a while (as long as we feel she needs)--with exceptions being made for her siblings and grandparents. It is best that Addy learns quickly that Bobby and I are her parents and that no one else will take her away again.  

2.   Small World
As long as the visitors are only a few at a time, we are okay with it. We are so excited to “show Addy off.”  We just have to take it slow for her sake. We will spend as much time together alone as a family as we can, knowing that at times it will be difficult due to her siblings activities and needs. We may be calling on some of you to help get the kids to and from their activities or to come over for a play date in order to maintain some “normalcy” in their lives as well. We know that as excited as they are about Addy coming home, it is going to be a huge transition in their lives and routine as well!  

3.   Routine
Our regular routine might have to be put on hold for a while. We aren't sure what this will entail for us until we have Addy home. But it is possible that she may become over-stimulated by going out and doing things. Anything our regular routines used to consist of, may have to be given up for a little while.  We don't know how long this will take, because every child is different. Once we see Addy has established a healthy bond with us, we will start allowing others to hold her and will start venturing out into the world.

4.   Carrying
We have already mentioned that we will be the only ones to hold Addy for a little while, but in addition, you may find us using a sling, wrap or carrier. In Africa, babies are constantly carried. The mothers cook and do housework while the baby naps on their back. Being close to mommy and daddy in the carrier promotes attachment. So if you see us continually “carrying” Addy, know it's to help her to bond with us.

5.   Nursery 

We do not plan to put Addy in the nursery at Church or events for quite some time. She will remain with us because we fear a nursery setting would be too similar to her orphanage setting she has known up until now. We do not want to either scare or confuse her into thinking she is being moved again. 

6.   Airport

We will be inviting people to the airport to meet us when we come home.  BUT, we anticipate the travel process to be very overwhelming for Addy and we don’t want to add to her confusion her first night home.  Addy will remain in our arms the entire time at the airport, and we ask that EVERYONE gives Eli, Ayla, Owen, and grandparents “first dibs” on meeting her.  If you can sense she is overwhelmed or crying, please give her time to adjust and be willing to “just observe” if need be.

Many people probably think we are being “over kill” with Addy being so young.  BUT, we have done research and have found that yes, even babies are majorly affected by adoption.  Addy’s whole world is going to be turned upside down.  Even though she is so little, she will not understand what is happening.  Some of her emotions may show up now, some may take years to appear.  Whatever her needs are, we want to be able to try to meet them.  This is why we have established this plan. We love our little girl and will do everything in our power to help heal her wounded heart.

Once home, we will keep everyone in the loop on how Addy is doing. A lot of the above is worst case scenario, and we may have a totally different experience with Addy. Regardless of what is to come, with God's guidance, we can get through anything. We can’t do this alone though, we need your help. You have been so good to us throughout our entire adoption, faithful in covering us with your prayers and love. For this we will never be able to thank you enough. We need your continued support, love, encouragement, and most of all prayers even if you don’t totally agree with our plan! As we said before, this “plan” will be a work-in-progress; God knows the Real Plan J

Love and Blessings,

Bobby, Courtney, Eli, Ayla, Owen, and Addy Williams