There'll Be Days Like This

I've taken little hiatus from blog writing for the past year.  I came on today with a few things on my mind (which will become a new post another time) and found this DRAFT from one year ago....the day that marked one year of Nagi and Detcho being home.

It's amazing that now marks TWO YEARS since D and N physically joined our family, and as I reread this year-old post, I realize how important it is for other waiting moms to know that now, two years down this journey, many (or all!) of these things still ring true today.

October 1st, 2013:

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Post written October 1, 2014:

Well, it's been a year.  It absolutely amazes me to look back at all we've gone through in the past 12 months.  Before we brought Detcho and Nahagi home, we prepared as much as we could: reading books on older child adoption, reaching out to families who have walked these shoes, and attending conferences.  I'm now convinced NOTHING can fully prepare a family, but the more you do ahead of time, the better off you'll be!

To those of you considering older children adoption or those who have recently brought home an older child, I want to encourage you by letting you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I want to remind you that it is completely normal to have days like this.....

• Days before and after the adoption that you spend learning as much as you can about your child's culture.  What foods can you make to help them feel a sense of security? What was their "normal" when it comes to family, friends, living conditions, clothing, education, etc?
• Days when you are so very thankful that God brought this child into your home, yet you wonder why it's so hard.
• Days when attaching to your child will be very hard.  That may be because your expectations (which we're all told we shouldn't have any--wish I could have followed that advice!) are just way too high.  It may be due to pet peeves, the lack of knowing each other, or all the adjustments being made by everyone.
• Days when you need to lock yourself in your bathroom and cry out to Jesus to help sustain and equip you to continue pushing through every minute of every day.
• Days when you're painted over your child's past (and reality) and you can't imagine all that they've gone through.  You'll get emotionally exhausted by the hard conversations.
• Days when you're down right exhausted from constantly educating and explaining things over and over and over again when your family/culture/ways are all so new.
• Days when you feel alone.  You may not know anyone in a close proximity that has adopted an older child.  And, let's face it: older children adoption is usually viewed as "risky" by others.  Some people will push (or scare) away from you and your family.  
• Days when you'll be on the computer, on the phone, or in books trying to find another way to try something.....
• Days when you have to drop everything and put first things first.  Canceling appointments, coffee dates, play dates, and laundry will become a common occurrence as your child transitions into your home---which may not go away for a long time--even a year down the road!
• Days when you question if this REALLY was God's will for your family.  Surely it shouldn't be this hard or bring this much pain, right?!?!?
• Days when you feel like your failing....you'll ask yourself, "It's been ____ months now, shouldn't I have _____ figured out by now?" (and you won't stop asking yourself that even a year down the road)

Yes, we've had days like these.  Many, many days like these.  BUT, I can tell you with all certainty, I've NEVER wished for my big boys to not be here.  I've NEVER questioned my love for them.  I've NEVER EVER understood God's love for me as much as I do after welcoming them into our home. 

A couple weeks ago in church our Pastor was talking about the abundant life we receive when we're adopted into God's Kingdom.  He said one of the biggest gifts through the abundant life is the gift of God being WITH US. 

For those of you just beginning this journey, a little wisdom:

• Yes, you will have days like the ones above, but NEVER let those days/thoughts take a stronghold. 
• GET ON YOUR KNEES.
• Pick a few things to work on at a time.  Your child will come home and there will be so many little things to teach them.   Don't ever let your child feel like there are more things you need to change about them than you LOVE about them. 
• BE ON YOUR KNEES.
• Bring laughter to your home as much as you can.  ENJOY the differences you and your child have.  Write down the funny stories and funny things your child says or asks.
  Ex: D and N both thought the word snot meant "it's not." I was once told the bastard (mustard) tasted really good. And D told many, many people he got a large jar of penis (peanuts) for his birthday.
  Laughter really is good medicine and they love giggling about these things now!
• Remember, just like we have the gift of God being WITH US, that is the biggest gift we can give our children.  Be there to listen and encourage and walk through life with your child even when it's hard.  Don't let them bottle up or feel alone.  Encourage them to talk to you, spend time with them, listen to them--when they want you to, not when YOU want to, pray with them, BE WITH THEM.
• GET ON YOUR KNEES.
• Reach out to other parents who are walking this journey.  I'm here to tell you every single mother I know who has adopted older children has also faced every single one of the days listed above.  Knowing that I'm not alone has been a huge encouragement and support for me.  If you don't have people physically close to you (like me), get out of your comfort zone and SEEK people who you can reach out to via phone or social media. 
• BE ON YOUR KNEES.
• Do whatever you need to do to keep your marriage rock solid.  When things get tough in the home, it's easy to take things out on each other.  Hold each other close. Keep each other grounded.  Wives, RUN TO HIM.  I know as women we often want to run to a best friend and share things with her, but many of the things you'll face are for you family alone.

I hope this post is truth and encouragement to families in or starting the journey of older children adoption.  (Bobby and I are always willing to open our door or visit via phone to anyone who wants to visit with someone who's been there.)

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Today, two years since our family of 8 has been together, I've got tears flowing down my face.  It is overwhelming to reflect on all that these two years has been.  We have SO much to be thankful for.  D and N have grown so much in two years: physically (Nagi passed me in height in April!), emotionally, socially, academically, physically.

 

There are still things that are really hard (mostly relating to academics).  But, praise the Lord we are still smiling, happy, and growing after two years as EIGHT!

Wow, we are blessed parents!!!

 

Orphan Sunday 2014

It's our fourth year joining Christians around the globe in celebrating Orphan Sunday.  As we shared in church this morning, it's not about this first Sunday in November.  It's about the children in our neighborhoods, in our country, and across the globe that need our love--God's children who are waiting for someone to come and wrap their arms around them and show them what family is, what love is.

Adoption, foster care, and orphan care are not easy.  They're often messy and always come as a result of abuse or abandonment.  BUT, these children deserve our love....NEED our love.

This month marked 2 years of having Addy home and 1 year having Detcho and Nahagi home.  Yes, this road has been long and hard, but I am overcome with emotions when I look back at these past two years.  We are beyond blessed and grateful that God chose our family for three wonderfully made children.  Three children whom I cannot imagine back on the streets or back in an orphanage.  Three children who WE are so privileged to have as a part of our family. 


At this time this year we also have the joy of an additional child living in our home--a little girl who has all 8 of us wrapped around her little fingers.  I can't explain the joy it brings to see our 6 children loving on her and welcoming her into our home, never knowing how long we will have her in our family.

Today I want to say THANK YOU to all that wrap their arms around us. Those of you who see the need to care for orphans even if that doesn't mean fostering or adoption for your family.  Those of you who have shown unconditional love toward our children and those who have supported Bobby and I as we've gone through struggles or when we've been discouraged.

There is a need for each and every person in caring for the fatherless.  Every single one of us can do SOMETHING. 

For those of you who feel a gentle nudge toward foster care or adoption, we'd love to come alongside you and support you.  If you're in SW North Dakota and want more information, visit Embrace to get started! 

Stark County Social Services recently reported to us:

• Social workers are way over case load standards.
• We currently have about 70 kids in foster care and are looking at possible removal of 8 to 10 more. 
• Our count for abuse and neglect has been the highest it has been for many years.
• Many foster parents prefer young children which leaves us struggling to find homes for our early adolescent kids and teens.  The facilities are full to capacity, and without behaviors or diagnoses the kids are not eligible for those placements anyways.  In the best interest of our foster children, we need to have the least restrictive environment for them, less placement terror, etc. on the child and that best placement is a foster home. 
• We currently have 20 foster homes, with a need of many, more homes

Let's join hands and show love to the least of these. 
Let's lift up our voices for those who cannot speak up for themselves. 
Let's be a body that works together to bring hope to the precious little ones who need us.

Matthew 25:40 I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.

Ready or Not...

As a teacher I've been asked numerous times the past couple weeks if I'm ready for school to start.  Yes, the room is ready.  The copies are made.  The desks are set.  The bookshelves are dusted and resorted.  I've made A LOT of changes in my classroom for this year, so it's with a great big sigh that I can say tomorrow morning I'll be ready to greet 12 first graders at the door as they climb the stairs excited for the new year.   I'M READY...

Well, for the literal sense of school....

Am I ready to give up the morning cuddles, extra half hour of sleep,  more time for devotions, reading, and gardening....No.

But what I'm REALLY not ready to give up is the family time we've enjoyed this summer.  Honestly, when the summer began I wasn't so sure how ready I was for it to start.  The boys had been home for 8 months and we had a good system and routine down with school weeks.

Every summer before now we had "younger" children who may had an activity here or there or laid back t-ball twice a week.  Then this summer came and BAM, we were thrown into a whole new arena of extracurriculars--with Eli now old enough for Mustang baseball, Ayla moving up to two days a week of gymnastics, and Detcho and Nahagi having soccer 3 days a week (plus weekends)---ANNND all the summer camps!  Even though we were on the go most evenings, we spent our days together. 

We've been very fortunate for how well our children get along and love each other.  Looking back at this summer I can say not only do they love each other, but they LIKE each other and care for one another in a way I never dreamed they would at their ages.  Most days they spent 4-6 hours outside playing with each other and I'd have to peel them off their bikes to come in to eat.  We spent hours reading and discussing novels together, playing games, and building gazillions of lego creations.  I think I can count on one hand the number of times I heard "I'm bored," simply because they have each other and enjoy spending time together as a family.

The hours together each day brought up many hard conversations, many fun or serious stories, and a lot of bonding as we worked side by side laying thousands of patio pavers, raking 2 acres of dirt, planting a small garden,  and shoveling a ton of rock. 

In addition to the days, some of the best memories from summer 2014 were the nights away!  Before this summer we hadn't gone anywhere over night as 8.  By the end of the summer we spent 10+ nights in hotels (thanks traveling soccer!), and 7 nights away on vacation.  (I can tell you squeezing 8 people into one hotel room is quite hilarious at times).

For those that continue to pray for our family....THANK YOU.  Yes, there were tears and heart aches and days when I wanted to THROW THE TOWEL IN.  But, truly this summer was a huge blessing to our family and we grew leaps and bounds. 

But, tomorrow morning....
Ready or not....
it's a new school year! 

July 31st

Today's a day of reflection for me. I'm sure as everyone gets older it's common on your birthday to take a look back at what the previous year brought and the various journeys life has brought you through.

When we got married (almost) 10 years ago I could have never imagined I'd spend my 30th birthday in a hot, humid court house in the middle of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.  That day we waited impatiently in the waiting room amongst many other adoptive parents waiting for our names to be called.  We were warned by all that it was nothing to worry about and very laid back--which it was--but no one in that situation can just sit back and relax knowing you'll be soon facing a judge who will deem you parents to the children you are adopting. 

We walked into the little room and answered all the questions (even Eli was asked a few question and he felt pretty special!) and within minutes we were declared the parents to Detcho and Nahagi. Tears streamed down my face as what we were anticipating was a reality. 

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It's been one year since that warm celebratory day in Ethiopia.  Funny how we told the boys then that  it was my birthday (remember they didn't celebrate birthdays and so it wasn't a big deal to them).....just last week I was tucking them in and they noticed the pictures hanging on their wall with their adoption date and realized it was the same as my birthday.  Oh how much joy that simple connection brought them! 

I can guarantee every year I will remember that best birthday with my heart beating heavily in that sweaty courtroom.  Every year I will look back and remember God granting us the privilege to raise these two sweet boys who have rocked our world on so many levels. 

Today I thank the Lord for the life He has given me. For my family, my friends, my awesome husband and the 6 children who call me mom. 

July 31, 2013



July 31, 2014

 

Answering THE Call

June 14th, 2013:

I woke up nervous, anxious and ready for a call (we had been called the day before asking if we'd accept a referral even though one of the children was a year older than our requested age).

I was watching the clock in anticipation as we tried to have a typical summer morning heading to the park for our Friday play group.  I quickly threw together lunches and got my four kiddos ready for a hot day.  Just as I was walking out the door--lunches, sunscreen, phone, and baby in hand-- the phone rang. 

I quickly threw everything down and answered THE CALL.

Within minutes I was looking through a file containing medical information, past history, and photos.  Two BIG boys were looking at me through the screen and all I could do was stare and cry.  I'm not going to lie, I was soooooooooo nervous.  We had been warned about not following birth order.  We had been warned about adopting older children.  We had been told, "Don't jump to just say yes, please pray and review carefully."

As odd as it may seem to those who haven't experienced it, there is just something about a photo that can touch your heart more than you would have ever known.  In the first look at the photo I KNEW.  I knew D and N were chosen for us.  I knew God was preparing our hears (and theirs) to unite us.  I knew that even though we'd have struggles, we were going to be family. 

It's been one year since we first saw those sweet faces, only now, it's not a picture half way across the world, but big smiles we're greeted with every morning and hugs we're given every night.  I can say very honestly and very sincerely that even though it's hard, these two sweet boys have brought us so much joy and have taught us so much about life.  We will NEVER be the same simply because we said yes to something that at once seemed so crazy and so scary.

Referral Photo

 And for them, they recall their feelings that June day as they got back to the orphanage from school...

"We walk in from school and they tell us we had a family.  We didn't believe it and thought they were joking.  We waited for 3 years to be told we had family.  We saw kids come and they go.  But us, no family.  We went to bed that night thinking if it was true.  The next morning someone brought photo of you.  We ran to our room and cried a lot.  I mean a lot.  We looked at the picture all day and hid it under our bed.  We didn't sleep that night all night.  My friends and nannies, they sooooo happy for us because we finally have family."

Yes, boys.  You DO have a family.  One that will never leave you or forsake you, through the calm or through the storm. 

June 13, 2014

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God. (Isaiah 43:1-3)

Believing in the Dream He had for Us

This is most definitely the longest I've gone without blogging!  March was a very hard month for us all around while April and May have been BUSY--well, life is always busy but I think I'm finally realizing just how busy life with 6 active kiddos will be :) 

April 1st marked SIX MONTHS of the boys being home and April 3rd we celebrated Detcho's 10th Birthday.  Most of you know that in Ethiopia, birthday's aren't a big deal and aren't celebrated the way we do (often to extremes) in the US.  In fact, births aren't always recorded and knowing the date of your birth is very uncommon.  The week leading up to his "birthday" Detcho kept reminding us and many others that this wasn't his real birthday and questioned why we're even celebrating a fake birthday. 

We talked a lot about having this day to celebrate HIM and I explained how great it will be when he's older to look back at how he grew throughout the years....
I'm happy to share that after his party he was grinning from ear to ear and wouldn't stop thanking us for throwing him a party. 

Looking back at March/April and moving forward with a renewed sense of hope and joy, I've had time to reflect....

One thing I've seen play out time and time again through adoption journeys I've watched (and through our own) is that prior to a child coming home, families are on emotional overload--anxious, scared, excited, impatient, ready.  Then a child comes home and it's a joyous occasion--often celebrated at the airport and noticed by all. 

THEN....
A few months into the process life gets tough.  It's assumed that your children are doing well, adjusting well, fitting in well.  It's assumed that the parents have it figured out and life is all peaches and roses.

BUT...
A child (of any age) faces great loss and trauma through adoption (domestically or internationally).  A child is often struggling socially, emotionally, educationally, spiritually. 

AND...
The parents get exhausted.  Something that started so full of joy is suddenly the hardest thing you've ever experienced. 

THIS is where I was (and also where I know I'll probably be a number of times again).
Suddenly life had become TOUGH and I wanted the joy of October to return...or, to be honest, I wanted to go back in time a couple years.  BUT, thank God different things through April and early May have brought me that hope and joy I so eagerly wanted needed to return. 

In April Bobby and I traveled to Fargo to represent our adoption agency at a Casting Crowns concert.  At the concert we had tons of people stop by to ask questions about adoption and many of them wanted to know our story.  By sharing our journey with those who felt they're being led toward older children or those who are so ready but doubt the costs helped me see again how God's hands were most definitely ALL over our journey.  Orally sharing our story and how God so perfectly orchestrated bring us together as eight amazed me all over again.

Then we had a lady from our local newspaper come out to do a follow-up story on our adoption.  She wanted to get the boys' side of the adoption journey (which I'm bummed wasn't included in the article!!)....hearing them tell their story was so encouraging.  To hear them tell her they love us more than anything and to hear the things they love about our family....worth every single tear and struggle.

The beginning of May Bobby and I were able to take a little "get-away" to CAFO's Summit in Chicago.  There is nothing more refreshing and encouraging than spending a couple days with thousands of individuals who understand your family's struggles and who feel urged to care for the fatherless.  The worship, professionals, workshops, friendships, and time with Bobby were a true gift!

Yes, we will continue to have our struggles and there will be times again where I wish time could rewind or fast forward, but; this past month has brought forth restoration.  Looking back I can see how I was focusing on the hard (the tough, the day to day happenings) and NOT thinking of the ways God was and is working on myself and my family.  I realized I wasn't taking the time to notice the day to day joys and the HUGE gains we continue to make.

At the concert this song came on and my eyes immediately filled with tears.  Just a year and a half ago I would have NEVER imagined we'd adopt an older child (more less two!).  I never would have dreamed of having such beautiful, loving, giving, thankful children.  Sometimes, we just need to stop and let GOD dream for us--and then let him guide us THROUGH the dream as well!

So come on, let Me dream, let Me dream for you
I am strong when youre weak and Ill carry you
So let go of your plan, be caught by My hand
Ill show you what I can do
When I dream for you
I have a dream for you....

I'm stronger than you think I am
I'll take you farther than you think you can
You sing and call me Great I Am
So take your stand
My child, if you only knew
All the plans that I have for you
Just trust me, I will follow through
You can follow Me

 

 

Embracing the Little (err BIG) things!

Well, it's Valentine's Day and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  As much as I like celebrations and what-not, I wasn't feeling it today.  Not only is Bobby out of town, but we had a ROUGH day yesterday.  From a miserable little girl who wouldn't let me put her down and cried all night, to a certain child extremely mad at me that I don't believe mermaids are real---seriously, to a 3 year old who was on top of his game and an overly sensitive/grumpy older child.  5 of the 6 decided it was Gang Up on Mom Day... and my exhaustion and "so over this" attitude carried to the morning.

This morning I thankfully realized that I could control my attitude.  I could choose to be sad and bummed that I couldn't speak to my other half on this day.  I could choose to carry yesterday's mess to this new day.  OR, I could choose to find joy in the new day the Lord has given me.

By no means was it easy for me, but between a close friend going out of her way to give me some encouragement (AND CHOCOLATE) and through our class singing "One Thing Remains" during our morning worship time, I was encouraged to choose JOY through God's love.

Nehemiah 8:10 The joy of the Lord is your strength

This path of our family "Growing as Eight" is not always easy.  And through my growing I've realized I must focus on the positive and be encouraged by the growth I see, even when it seems small. 

But do you know what, the small things are often BIG things in growing of our family...

• Like when I see the way they work together, often without prompting.

• Or when a child  says, "I love mom because she loves us enough to discipline us."
• When I walk around a corner to unprompted views like this....

• In the first "out of the blue" hug I received by my eldest.
• When I found out that Nahagi goes in and wakes Ayla up with a hug every morning.
• By their tear filled prayers for each other and our family.
• In the close brotherly relationship Eli and Detcho have grown.
• In the way Nahagi steps up to help, almost always without being asked (and especially while Bobby's gone)!

To remind them of the love I have for them AND as a reminder to myself of the love we have for one another, I prepared a surprise dinner tonight.  I don't think any of our children had ever had crab before and they were beyond thrilled and thankful for this meal!    (We topped it off with one of my favorite desserts--thanks Grandma---"Strawberries on a Cloud")

Yes, an unnamed 3 year old (after being told to leave it on the table) dropped a bowl of melted butter on the floor---do you know how far melted butter can fly?!?!?!?   But as I got a bucket and began to scrub the floor/table/chairs, I heard Nahagi tell Ayla to come to the laundry room....

Seeing him wash the butter out of her hair brought me to tears.

We ARE growing. 
This house IS filled with love. 
I just have to choose to embrace it!

1 John 4:7-21 God Is Love

⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. ¹⁰ In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. ¹¹ Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
¹³ By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. ¹⁶ So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ¹⁷ By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love because he first loved us. ²⁰ If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot^[a] love God whom he has not seen. ²¹ And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Winter Randomness

Some winter randomness from this month....

1. The big boys have been home for 4 months.  That's a 1/3 of a year.  That's crazy!

2.  Our spunky Addy Rose turned 2.  It's very bittersweet--the first 2 year old we have without another child on the way.  My heart aches.  A lot. 

(Addy's idea of a birthday photo session....her personality to a 'T'!!)

 

3.  Sundays in Jan/Feb we have/are studying the book Orphan Justice through Embrace.  It's my third time reading the book yet I learn more about orphan care each time I read it.  I'm challenged once again to seek justice for the social ills that are connected to orphan care (poverty, HIV/AIDS, trafficking, abortion, racism, foster care, etc).  The discussions we've been having are wonderful testimonies of the need to care for orphans MUCH beyond (and most times even before) adoption. 

4. This winter has been cold.  Really cold.  As much as I love the warm winter days when the kids are outside all afternoon sledding, I've grown to really enjoy these days stuck inside.  Okay, okay, so I don't like them while in the moment and I usually want to pull my hair out by 4pm.....but I really believe this physical closeness has helped our family connect.  I looooove having the back-up, "just go outside and play," to help me get through days--and yes, I am eagerly awaiting spring.  But looking back at the past month, I can smile and say it was worth the frozen nostrils, cooped up children, and constant chatter/bantering.

5.  We've officially been in the adoption realm for 3 years.  I can't even begin to express how much this journey has changed us--our marriage, our family (other than the 3 obvious ways!!), our faith.  A process that started as a decision to adopt 1 or 2 children from Ethiopia drastically changed and led us to a new view of life.   I'm not saying you need to adopt a child to experience this type of change....but for us, it was exactly what  we needed and God used it to teach us how to live compassionately through faith in our every day walk with Him.

1 John 3:16-18
By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

6.  Tomorrow Bobby embarks on another journey across the seas, as he heads to Uganda.  He is traveling with a team of 11 from our church body who will be serving at New Hope Uganda.  Their primary focus will be to help complete a kitchen at Musana camps.

People keep asking if I'm ready for the 2 weeks without my second half......that takes a loaded answer!  Yes, I'm ready for him to go and serve and very excited to see all that God has in store for this team.  But of course he will be missed around our home!  He's the one that makes the kiddos breakfast, packs the sack lunches, and picks the boys up from school.  He helps wrangle the kids into bed each night, makes me coffee, and shovels/plows the long driveway.  Those things I'm certain we can get through with some rearranging, flexibility, and frozen lunches :) 
What I'll miss most is our night time visits, a good morning kiss, or the discipline/structure he brings to our family.  It's hard to believe in our 9 years of marriage I can only think of 1 time he was away over night (without me).  He's never gone...he's my encouragement and support that gets me through life. 

Not to mention #1.....the big boys.  Yes, they've been home for 4 months.  Yes, the frozen tundra has brought us together.  BUT, they thrive off Bobby's presence at night and don't try many antics when he's around :)  [and of course, the youngest 4 will most definitely be missing their daddy as well!!]

We'd appreciate prayers over the next 2 weeks: for Bobby and the team traveling to Uganda (safety, health, work, unity, etc) and for our family (my sanity/patience/grace/energy, the children's hearts/behavior/unity).

On the Rise

As I wrote about yesterday, this time in our life has proven to be full of trials...but has also grown us more than I had imagined.  Adding to our family this time around has most definitely been the hardest adjustment.

With D and N joining our family, we were all on survival mode.  With two new children in the family that are the oldest--yet need the most attention, comfort, and time--it set the whole family back.  The three youngest were striving for attention.  And Eli.....well, as much as he truly wanted two older brothers, he lost his identity as the eldest child (more about this at a later time)....

The boys are wonderful, wonderful boys who want to do well.  They want to please us and even WANT to be members of our family.  But, being they had never lived in family setting with a mom, dad, and siblings, they need to learn how to be members of our family. 

It's not us 6 and the 2 of them...It's the 8 of us. 

When the boys first came home they would have been completely happy and content sitting up in their room together all afternoon/evening.  We leaned quickly we had to set some ground rules.  Rules that were not liked by any of our children.....but things that had to be implemented to grow our family together.  I felt like we were punishing them for loving each other and I had to continually remind myself this pain was going to be temporary.  This consistent battle would help us become united.
One unit. 
A team.
A family.

We assigned seats at the breakfast bar, dinner table, and the car.  We made them learn to play together by making sure each sibling got time with every other sibling one on one.  We implemented activities that they would all do together.  When conflict arose (arises)we sat down to discuss growing as a family.  Over and over and over again.

We've cut down on outside commitments, activities and play dates. And....we spend time together.

Today was supposed to be the last day of our 16 day Christmas break, but we just got word school is cancelled as temps could drop to 60 below with the wind chill.  To be honest, I was excited for this long break with my family--but also pessimistic.  Bobby and I had discussed the possibility of traveling to MT for Christmas, or taking a little family trip over the two weeks.  In the end, we decided these weeks would be a good time of hunkering down as a family and bonding.  And that's exactly what we did.  Other than church and holiday gatherings with family, we stayed home.  And I'm so thankful we did. 

The first few days were rough.  In fact, the first full day home together Bobby came home to two children on the couch, mom in tears, and one child sitting on the steps.  After that first day I was not looking forward to the next 2 weeks.

But, once again we made a game plan.  
We had some tough family talks. 
We set some ground rules for our days at home...
-there would be some free time and a lot of guided game time. 
-there would be required down time every day (which meant the three oldest read in the loft as the three youngest napped)
-there would be no added electronic times, our TV/Computer/Wii rules would be the same.
-in addition to earning/losing popsicle sticks for electronics, we also implemented the Consequence Jar (post coming soon)

It wasn't a perfect plan...but it helped....A LOT!

Instead of lying in my bed crying at night (okay, maybe I did that one night!), I found myself in tears as I listened to them playing together (for more than 10 minutes)--all six of them, laughing, giggling, and talking. 

They (and I) have learned that being home together is not boring or bad.  Yes, we've had some breakdowns, tears, and some hard stuff we've had to walk through...BUT, I'm completely amazed at the way the 6 of them (even little Miss Addy has started to be part of the clan!) have truly bonded and grown over these 16 days together.

One other thing I believe helped were the Christmas gifts we bought the kids.  Instead of the typical tree with presents below for each child, we bought family gifts. 
Six gifts. 
Not tagged. 
Each child opened a family gift, something we could do together.  Which led to a lot of game playing, lego building, and sledding (tubing). 

Yes, we have some hard (heartbreaking) things to work through.  Yes, we have a lot of growing and healing to do.  BUT, I'm convinced that if we can continue to grow and love each other as a family, we can get through all the muck of our pasts and the trials of our futures TOGETHER.

And so, as this break ends, I can officially say I feel like we're ON THE RISE. 

Temporary Affliction

I can't believe it's January and our big boys have been home for 3 months!  It actually seems like much longer...and I can hardly remember life without all 6 of our kiddos under one roof. 

These past three months have seen us through a lot.  People are always asking us how it's going and sometimes that's a very hard question to answer--and not because I have a lack of words to share. (Quite the opposite actually)  But, I find myself having to think before I speak (thanks Mom!) and also want to be honest.   People like to hear the good.  To see the good.  To see life as peaches and roses. 

But....truth is.....it's been hard.  (don't worry there is TONS of good....much of which you'll get to read about in the next few posts!!!!)

We knew of the challenges we'd be up against before we became eight.  We knew this wasn't going to be easy.  Nothing we're experiencing or have experienced has surprised us in the least bit.  BUT, nothing can fully prepare parents for older child adoption.  

About a month and a half after the boys came home we hit a low.  All six of our children were acting out.  We were all in survival mode and all trying to cling on to what was normal to us.  It caused a lot of stress.  Nothing seemed to help.  If anything, things were getting worse. Bobby and I began to argue.  I was a mess and cried most nights as I felt like a failure. 
Thanksgiving  rolled around and even though I was able to see all I had to be Thankful for, we had two weeks of utter chaos going on in our home. 

Guilt consumed me like never before.

We knew this was the path we were supposed to follow for our family.  God clearly led us here.  But why was it so stinkin' hard?  Why did I feel like we were failing?   Why am I not strong enough to put my family together?

And then....I began to pray like never before.  Constant prayer throughout the day. For myself, for Bobby, for each child, for our family.  Slowly I began to see God show up in our daily tasks.  He showed me time and time again that I need to lean on Him.

Part of my problem admitting how hard life was or how down I had become was I felt like people expected this to be a joyful, happy journey.  Once I opened my heart to God, Bobby, and a few close friends I realized I didn't need to hide my weaknesses.  My personal verse for the past 6 months (posted right on my mirror for me to read every morning) was staring right in front of me, but I wasn't giving it any clout.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me......For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Of course I knew that God was here.  That He knew every struggle I faced, every time I failed, every emotion I was feeling.  But, I hadn't fully acknowledged Him in my current weaknesses. 

After Thanksgiving passed, I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I was no longer living with a weight of guilt....but felt lifted up as I realized this was not my path alone.  I was not the one that was going to mend our family and help us grow together.  Only God could have orchestrated uniting the 8 of us...God did call us down this path.  He led us here, now it's up to us to trust Him and lean on Him to get us through the trials and growth as a family.

I had to make the choice to see our struggles and trials as opportunities to lean on God and to grow stronger.  And even though I go to bed exhausted and I still fail every day as a mother, I am refreshed every morning--for I know these struggles and growing pains are temporary. 

And I've added this verse to my mirror as a reminder.....

2 Corinthians 4:17 

For this light momentary affiliation is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  

................
The month of December brought a lot of healing, growing, and mending.  Up tomorrow: "On the Rise"

Growing as Eight (plus)

I've had an inner-person debate these past few months deciding whether or not to change the blog name, change the name and address, or leave it alone.

For those of you who've been with us from the first post in May 2011, you'll recall this blog started as Waiting on Six.  Then in January 2012, the name was changed to Waiting on Seven....which this past June became Waiting on Seven (and Eight). 

And now after a well-fought debate, the blog has officially been changed (name AND address) to Growing as Eight (plus). 

We're no longer waiting. 
We're growing. 
And that we'll always be....
Growing closer together by growing closer to God.

And before any rumors get started, the plus is there for the future.....as we welcome foster children into our home....and MAYBE (years--and I mean years--down the road) another child (or two, or three---okay, definitely not three!).

In the next few days you'll get an update on just how our growing has been going this past month....

But for tonight, enjoy some photos of our first Christmas as EIGHT.....also our first Christmas in our new country home (last year this time we were living with my parents, working nights/days/weekends trying to finish the house Bobby built for us to GROW as a family--having no clue we'd grow by 2 more this soon!)...

 **Please note: If you subscribe to our blog via the follow button or email, you'll have to re-subscribe because the web address has changed--SORRY!**

When We're Called into the Fire

It's been 2 months since we physically became a family of 8. 

We're still in transition. 
Healing. 
Growing. 
Learning.
Molding.

But we're gaining ground every day. 

I'm reminded from friends who have BTDT that this time takes roughly 6months-1 year...and so I'm confident that the little strides will turn to big strides. 

About a week ago we hit our lowest point.  All 8 of us had a rough week.  I failed many, many times and had such guilt and shame for the state of our family.

BUT, this Thanksgiving weekend we were able to spend 4 full days together, all 8 of us.  As hard as it was at times, it was wonderful.  We saw all 6 of our children interacting together <happily> for the first time.  We got to discuss more stories from our pasts.  We worked together transforming our house for Christmas. 
And we gave thanks. 
Many, many thanks.

And today, 2 months since arriving home as 8, we decided to skip Sunday School as a dance party going on in the kitchen with all 6 kiddos was to precious to be stopped .  We did arrive at church JUST on time for service to begin....and it was such a blessing.  The entire service from worship, to the sermon, to communion seemed directed right at me.  My heart was pulled and I was reminded that we are right where we are supposed to be....drawing closer together, by drawing closer to God.

 

If You Say Go
(Rita Springer)

If you say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait

If you say step out of the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways
Are higher than our ways
And the plans You have laid
Are good and true

If you call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for you

My TWELVE Year Old!

Last March we changed our referral request from 1-2 children 0-2years old to 1-2 children 0-10 years old.  When we sat down with our social worker to decide what our max age would be we first thought 0-9, then 0-14.  Then, we decided to just go with 0-10 as we had been together for 10 years (really no reasoning behind that, but what had to choose something!).

So, we emailed our agency saying we were changing our home study and request.  Immediately our family coordinator wrote back asking if that meant we'd accept a referral up to 9 knowing they'd likely turn 10 during the process?  Or, did we want to change our request to up to 10, turning 11?  Without hesitation we agreed to 10/11.

Fast forward three months....

We got a call the day before our referral letting us know they had a potential referral for us.  BUT, they wanted to be sure we would approve of this referral being the one child was already 11, almost 12 by the time we brought them home.

I knew immediately my answer was yes, but I called Bobby to be sure.  He assured me that we had no reasons not to, and we both felt confident this was it! 

That child was our wonderful Nahagi--who slipped into our family ONLY by God's sovereign hands placing him in our home.  From 0-2 to 0-10, to 0-11....

AND NOW 12!!!!

Oh how thankful I am that God divinely placed him here as our child. 
Yes, it may be hard. 
Yes, this is a new ballgame for us. 
But, he is such a blessing. 

I can tell you Nahagi and I have shared many tears, yet so much laughter.  He has a lot of hurt and loss, yet he is open and willing to be a part of our family.  We have fought our way through many trials, yet he is always ready for a hug and forgiveness.

He is our eldest child. Our wisest child. Our most helpful child.

And this weekend we got to celebrate HIM.  With friends AND family...
His first birthday party (he was so cute/timid about his invitations!), his first birthday cake (he looooved it!!!), and his first sleepover! {Initiation into adolescence parenting COMPLETE}. 

I bet not many people can say they met their 12 year old's father 10 years ago :)

P.S.  Coming soon....a new blog name and design! 

Redemptive Healing

{Warning:  This is not meant to be a negative, downer post.  My goal in writing a blog has always been for others to understand foster/adoptive families better.  I know five families who also recently brought home children...and all five are feeling these exact feelings.}

Sometimes life is extra challenging.  Sometimes we are hit by a curve ball that tests us more than we ever imagined.  Sometimes we are hurting, scared, tried, tired, overwhelmed, or lonely.  Sometimes it's all of the above.

BUT, there is always hope!!!  No matter the situation or storm, there is always a purpose and perfect plan being worked out by our Father who knows each hair on our head...and most certainly knows every little trial we will face.  He also knows and gets to see the ending. 

 

Life is HARD right now.  
It's hard to not have the back page to flip to, confirming the ending will be a good one. 

But, it will be. 

God's plan is always the best plan.
His story is always the best. 

We just have to trust in His sovereignty. 

 

Loss, grief, connecting, and attaching take time---a lot of time.
Finding a "groove," learning new normals, and learning to work as a family do too.

We know this is the path God called us down.  We prayed for our Ethiopian adoption for years.  We LOVE our boys, and are happy to have them home. But it's hard.

Our family dynamics have changed drastically.  And even though we know the next few months are going to need more time, dedication, and perseverance from us, we are so thankful for the constant reminders of how great our God is and how much he loves us. God is fully aware of this season and He is working moment-by-moment to guide us along His chosen path.

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

We are seeing little improvements every day.  We're learning how to work together as a team.  The kids are starting to learn how to disagree in a kind manner. We're learning more about each other that helps us bond and grow.

Every day we get up asking God to give us the patience and grace to get through the day.  Every morning I feel refreshed, only to feel like I'm drowning by 2pm.

 A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

My friends have asked how they can help...but honestly, I don't have an answer to that.  I can't even verbalize exactly why it's so hard.  It just is.

I've been told this transition and these feelings last 6months-1 year.  Even though we can't see the last page and how we'll feel a week, month, or year from now....we know this is exactly where we are supposed to be.  A family of 8.  6 children.  3 through birth, 3 through adoption.  Finding our way toward redemptive healing.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18: That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

10 Days Home...

I'm not going to lie, it's been a long week. 

Special, wonderful, and good....but long, tough, and exhausting! 

 

A few nights I've laid in bed wondering how I'd have the energy to get up, tears flowing down my face as I try to comprehend all that has changed for our family...and more importantly all that has changed for our boys. 

 

We have habits and expectations to break...and numerous things to teach {including not only educational things, but day to day life as a family}. 

In the 10 days home we've shared tears, laughs, and story after story.

 

We've learned a lot. 

We've grown a lot.

 

We've had to bite our tongues, roll our eyes, and laugh off things that drive us nuts.

 

But hard as it's been, it's been joyful. 

 

Seeing the excitement on their faces as the snow fell....

on their first day of school......

enjoying our first family movie night....

And learning how to compromise when it comes to food....

We continue to learn more about each other every day.  

With God's love and through the grace we've received,

we're able to share that love and offer grace to them. 

 

Today was refreshing as I was able to spend some time away from the home for awhile--having coffee/lunch with S, visiting B and sweet C in the hospital, and enjoying some one on one time with miss Ayla.

 

AND....

I was able to pick up our homecoming photos from our photographer. 

What a great reminder of how much of a blessing D and N are to our family. 

Even though this season may be overwhelming, we wouldn't have it any other way! 

God chose D and N to be a part of our family, and we love them soooooo very much. 

 

Enjoy these wonderful photos of our family of EIGHT being united!!!!

 

A special thanks to Broken Anchor Photography for capturing this night so perfectly!